Have you ever heard of People Pleasing? It is a term that has appeared in recent years and it refers to people who feel a deep need to please others at all costs. Even if that means putting your own needs at the bottom of the priority list.
Being of service to others is a valuable quality! But it’s when we sacrifice our own well-being to please others that it becomes problematic.
How do you recognize a People Pleaser?
A People Pleaser usually checks these following 10 characteristics (among others):
- They are extremely kind and helpful people who say yes to everything that is asked to them
- They detect the unspoken needs of others
- They often have very high standards for themselves but do not expect as much from others
- They tend to put pressure on themselves to meet what they think is expected of them
- They are very empathetic and understanding with others, but have difficulty applying the same gentleness to themselves
- They feel good about themselves mainly when they are valued by those around them
- They easily get caught up in other people’s problems and feel responsible for solving the issue
- They want to be seen as caring and accommodating
- They tend to conform to the ideas of the group even if they are against their opinions in order to avoid conflict
- They have very little time for themselves because they devote a lot of their time to helping others
Why do we become People Pleasers?
We are not born People Pleaser, we become one and it starts very early.
Children need their parents or attachment figures to survive and (unconsciously) they learn to adopt behaviors that ensure them the love and approval of adults. Depending on culture, gender and place in the family, some children receive praise and compliments when they help parents or little brothers and sisters, when they are accommodating, not noisy… and the child, innocently, associates these characteristics with the necessary conditions to receive the love they need to exist and grow.
And when the child grows up, even if now the adult no longer needs third parties to survive and sustain himself, he has remembered these behaviors to have a feeling of belonging. Acting in service of others is not only an altruistic act for the People Pleaser, but it is what gives them the illusion of obtaining external validation and feeling secure.
Ultimately, the People Pleaser’s behavior aims to prevent him from what he fears more than anything: abandonment.
Can we recover from People Pleasing?
Yes, yes and yes !
To do this, it takes a large dose of courage to dare and question deeply rooted paradigms. And it is strongly recommended to be well supported during this delicate moment of transition.
You will remain yourself, rest assured! But you will be lighter, because you will not be carrying anymore this big backpack which has been filled over the years and experiences with silent expectations, labels, status quo, “that’s how it is,” “it’s normal to,” and so many other sentences that limit your expression and your free will.
So, concretely here are some ways to stop being a People Pleaser:
- Whenever you find yourself thinking or saying generalizations to yourself (which usually start with “everyone”, “never”, “we”, “I have to”) take a moment to think about how idea entered your mind, where did it come from? who have you heard say that repeatedly? Is this idea really yours or did you borrow it from someone else? Ex: “It’s not okay to tell someone that I’m too busy to take care of them at the moment.”
- Before saying yes to someone who asks you for a favor, ask yourself “by saying yes to this, what am I saying no to?”, “because, as we well know, when we select, we also reject. Is it worth it? Ex: by choosing to help Susanne finish the report this evening, I am choosing to arrive late at the restaurant for my family night out”
- When you are in an uncomfortable situation but don’t dare talk about it, remember that you have as much legitimacy as everyone else to have your opinion, to express your disagreement, to refuse something that does not suit you. It is how you say it that needs to be said in a receivable way, but you shouldn’t disguise the content itself. Ex: “Rachel, I would like to take some time to discuss your proposals together and better understand the impacts on my position in order to consider the future with more serenity. How does it sound?”.
Conclusion
So, after reading this article, do you recognize yourself in some of the characteristics of People Pleasers?
If the answer is yes, try to put the suggested ideas into practice and be kind to yourself, change may take a little time, however observe the small improvements in your behavior which reflect progress!
And in all cases, let’s be careful not to encourage others to become People Pleasers, especially as parents, teachers, or managers of young graduates where we model what future generations will consider ‘normal’.
Alessandra Marini
